A village boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.
The boy asked his father, “ What is this father?”
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded,
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide- eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed. The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde steeped out…
The father said to his son,
“Go get your mother!!!”
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
Some old men can still think fast.
It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."
The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"
So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking.
Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime.
The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18." Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.
"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince.
He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"
In a trial, the judge entered the courtroom, banged his gavel and said loudly:
"Before I start the sentence, I want to inform you all that the defendant's lawyer has given me $ 15,000 to handle this case his way."
- Oh, really? - Dozens of people in the courtroom were tumultuous quickly.
The judge continued:
- The plaintiff's lawyer has also given me $ 10,000 to handle the case her way.
This time, everyone listened in pure silence.
- Therefore, in order to avoid giving inaccurate judgment and ensuring fairness in the trial, I would like to give back $ 5,000 to the defendant. Does anyone have any ideas?
A politician was on the road to the election campaign when he suddenly caught a group of boys surrounding a dog, quarreling. He stopped, approached the children to ask what was going on.
One boy said:
- We found this dog on the street. Everyone wants to bring him home. So we decided that the best liar would be the one raising the dog.
The politician raised his brow:
- What are you saying? You are not allowed to lie because it's a sin. When I was your age, I would never lie and now, I always say the truth too...
The children were still and silent for a minute, then one of them sighed:
- Give him the dog!
During a concert, an audience turned to the person sitting next to him to complain about the disgusting singer singing on stage:
- Can you listen to that? I just can’t bear this woman’s voice! Do you know who she is?
The man answered calmly:
- I know. It’s my wife.
The audience surprised:
- Wow, my apologies. Actually, it's not because of her voice but because of the song. It is this song that makes her voice sound bad. It is so horrible when your wife was forced to sing such lame lyrics, sir. I wonder who wrote such a terrible song?
The man replied:
- I did.
A man saw a gorilla on a tree in his backyard. Frightened, he called a professor in hunting dangerous animals. The hunter came immediately, carrying a large net, a hunting gun and a very large dog. He said:
- I will climb up to shake the tree so that the gorilla would fall to the ground. The dog will come and hit the gorilla. When it is hurt, just cover the gorilla with this net. I will climb down and we will tie it up together.
When the hunter starts climbing up the tree, the man below asked:
- What do I do with the gun?
- Well. I’m safe on this tree. So if the dog doesn’t bite the gorilla and they attack you together instead, just fight for your life.
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